If you look deep enough inside of yourself you don't find a little kid or a panorama of space as it looks like from a third-grader's eyes. You find Hurt. Just deep buried Hurt.
and when you look a little further past that, you find that everything you did from then on was your way of trying to mask it, or push it away, or forget it.
And then one night, you're trying to fall asleep in your bed, and your eyes flick open, and you remember all those things that you tried to keep buried in your memory.
And you're wondering how you ever got along with such wounds pent up underneath your aging frame.
Starting from when you were 8 years old and you didn't have the right Pokemon cards, or you didn't have the right game system. Your parents were too strict, your lawn didn't have a hill in it.
and then when you got to middle school, it wasn't about what you didn't have, it was more about who you were.
Someone said that you were too fat, too skinny, too silly, too dumb. too talkative, too quiet. Too-everything.
and then on in high school, it was a horrible mix of the two. It was that you didn't have a cellphone, that you were a prude, that you smelled, that you didn't have any friends.
Then, in your mind, you're cycling through all of these Hurts
and you find
that it hurts even more now, then it did then.
Because you realize that you've been bullying other kids this whole time.
and when you look a little further past that, you find that everything you did from then on was your way of trying to mask it, or push it away, or forget it.
And then one night, you're trying to fall asleep in your bed, and your eyes flick open, and you remember all those things that you tried to keep buried in your memory.
And you're wondering how you ever got along with such wounds pent up underneath your aging frame.
Starting from when you were 8 years old and you didn't have the right Pokemon cards, or you didn't have the right game system. Your parents were too strict, your lawn didn't have a hill in it.
and then when you got to middle school, it wasn't about what you didn't have, it was more about who you were.
Someone said that you were too fat, too skinny, too silly, too dumb. too talkative, too quiet. Too-everything.
and then on in high school, it was a horrible mix of the two. It was that you didn't have a cellphone, that you were a prude, that you smelled, that you didn't have any friends.
Then, in your mind, you're cycling through all of these Hurts
and you find
that it hurts even more now, then it did then.
Because you realize that you've been bullying other kids this whole time.
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