Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Hijo de puta
We are a generation without our fathers.
We've got our mothers and sisters,
and sometimes; our brothers.
That is, if they didn't run off to Montana to become addicted to meth or coke, shoot guns and get chased by the nazi skinheads that run rampant in that part of the country.
or if they didn't join the navy, army, air force or marine corps.
I have a friend whose dad is an engineer;
gone all the time.
I have a friend whose dad is a borderline drunk;
gonzo! emotionally, if not physically.
and I have my dad, who is, quite frankly a loser. He doesn't even get a capital "L" as far as I'm concerned, because he isn't a special "Loser", he's just a normal one.
It's like in the book of Genesis, where God says that the consequence of Eve's disobedience is that her pain in childbirth will increase, and the consequence for Adam is that he has to work in the fields all day long and toil, and not really gain anything in the end;
Figures...
Mothers will always be closer to their children then the father because the mother had the baby. She produced his little baby hands through the pain of her labour, while the father stood idly by and cut the umbilical cord.
Fathers will always be distant and unreachable because they have to work in the field all the hours of the day, which is really just an old-age way of saying that they have to put bacon on the table, and provide for the family. They don't just have to work; they have to toil.
and so when they come home they are tired and just want to eat and then go to bed.
and so is the pattern of the natural world.
We are a Generation without our fathers.
and by "Generation", I don't mean like people that were born in the late 80's and maybe early nineties.
It just means Everyone.
since the start of time;
until now.
You know it's the sad depressing truth; and don't you forget that it will be the same thing when we become fathers.
maybe unless we adopt children into our single-parent Mr. Mom type homes.
then, maybe then, do we have a shot.?
We've got our mothers and sisters,
and sometimes; our brothers.
That is, if they didn't run off to Montana to become addicted to meth or coke, shoot guns and get chased by the nazi skinheads that run rampant in that part of the country.
or if they didn't join the navy, army, air force or marine corps.
I have a friend whose dad is an engineer;
gone all the time.
I have a friend whose dad is a borderline drunk;
gonzo! emotionally, if not physically.
and I have my dad, who is, quite frankly a loser. He doesn't even get a capital "L" as far as I'm concerned, because he isn't a special "Loser", he's just a normal one.
It's like in the book of Genesis, where God says that the consequence of Eve's disobedience is that her pain in childbirth will increase, and the consequence for Adam is that he has to work in the fields all day long and toil, and not really gain anything in the end;
Figures...
Mothers will always be closer to their children then the father because the mother had the baby. She produced his little baby hands through the pain of her labour, while the father stood idly by and cut the umbilical cord.
Fathers will always be distant and unreachable because they have to work in the field all the hours of the day, which is really just an old-age way of saying that they have to put bacon on the table, and provide for the family. They don't just have to work; they have to toil.
and so when they come home they are tired and just want to eat and then go to bed.
and so is the pattern of the natural world.
We are a Generation without our fathers.
and by "Generation", I don't mean like people that were born in the late 80's and maybe early nineties.
It just means Everyone.
since the start of time;
until now.
You know it's the sad depressing truth; and don't you forget that it will be the same thing when we become fathers.
maybe unless we adopt children into our single-parent Mr. Mom type homes.
then, maybe then, do we have a shot.?
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Brad's blog spurred me to share this... It was originally a comment, but It got to be too long, so i thought I'd do it here.
I just recently had a dream where I was at my house and some people pulled up and got out, and for some reason I got in, and there was this beautiful girl sitting there in the back seat, and I sat next to her.
her dad was in the front seat for some reason, and he was driving us somewhere, and his coffee mug that was sitting in the front cup holder all of a sudden had a hole in the bottom and started spilled coffee. He got mad and cussed out the kids that "did it"
and so for some reason, I decided that I would suck it up and use my toe to plug the hole on the bottom of the cup, and the coffee was really hot, and it hurt.
we got to where we were going, and it turned out to be one of those strip malls that actually have a little inside area. So it's like a mall, only smaller, and there are businesses on the outside too.
we went into a music shop, and while we were there, an alarm went off or a siren sounded, and the owner of the store told everyone to get out of the way of the car that would be driving through the middle of the store.
It's like the store was divided in half by this car lane that ran right through it. and then pulled up some people, or some hoodlums, I should say, and they got out and at the same time, a car woooshed past us through the store.
and I woke up in a dark place. only, I was holding glowing things in my hands. They were blue eyes. And somebody's pinky finger, or small toe. I can't remember. But there was this sense of dread. horrible dread, because those were the eyes of that beautiful girl that i had been in the car with. and I was in a totally dark place. and I wasn't myself.
I was looking through the eyes of that beautiful girl, and I had been held hostage by those people that ran into the store with the car, and they had cut out my beautiful blue girl eyes, and cut off my pinky finger. Or toe. I can't remember.
and i was just sitting there crying. Because I was alone, in a dark room, and my eyes were in my hands.
and right before I woke up, I remember thinking how weird it was that I could still see even though they had taken out my eyes.
But it was like I was both people, while i was in the dark place, knowing that I had been kidnapped.
I was me, the kid who was admiring the girl, and I was really sad that she was kidnapped, and I was also the girl.
totally terrified at the thought of my eyes being cut out and that they were looking at me, and glowing.
I was telling my mom that I can't recall ever having a nightmare. I've had a high fever one time, and I thought that I was in the T.V. show nash bridges, and that there were people trying to get me.
but I've never had a nightmare.
and so she said that a nightmare is just a bad dream. Or a dream that you didn't like.
and this dream scared me. It really scared me. It filled me with dread and horror. Absolute horror. and I couldn't really even speak of it, and when I did, I just stopped in silence of how terrified it actually made me.
But I wouldn't say it was a nightmare. I didn't wake up in a cold sweat, or a hot sweat, or any kind of perspiration. I just woke up in my regular old way. Slowly opening my eyes, like they had never been shut, and then just being awake.
It's not that I liked it, It's just I felt like I had been in a movie. A movie that I starred in and watched at the same time, and I really like that quality about dreams, no matter if they end up with me holding my own eye balls or if I go sailing off into the distance...
her dad was in the front seat for some reason, and he was driving us somewhere, and his coffee mug that was sitting in the front cup holder all of a sudden had a hole in the bottom and started spilled coffee. He got mad and cussed out the kids that "did it"
and so for some reason, I decided that I would suck it up and use my toe to plug the hole on the bottom of the cup, and the coffee was really hot, and it hurt.
we got to where we were going, and it turned out to be one of those strip malls that actually have a little inside area. So it's like a mall, only smaller, and there are businesses on the outside too.
we went into a music shop, and while we were there, an alarm went off or a siren sounded, and the owner of the store told everyone to get out of the way of the car that would be driving through the middle of the store.
It's like the store was divided in half by this car lane that ran right through it. and then pulled up some people, or some hoodlums, I should say, and they got out and at the same time, a car woooshed past us through the store.
and I woke up in a dark place. only, I was holding glowing things in my hands. They were blue eyes. And somebody's pinky finger, or small toe. I can't remember. But there was this sense of dread. horrible dread, because those were the eyes of that beautiful girl that i had been in the car with. and I was in a totally dark place. and I wasn't myself.
I was looking through the eyes of that beautiful girl, and I had been held hostage by those people that ran into the store with the car, and they had cut out my beautiful blue girl eyes, and cut off my pinky finger. Or toe. I can't remember.
and i was just sitting there crying. Because I was alone, in a dark room, and my eyes were in my hands.
and right before I woke up, I remember thinking how weird it was that I could still see even though they had taken out my eyes.
But it was like I was both people, while i was in the dark place, knowing that I had been kidnapped.
I was me, the kid who was admiring the girl, and I was really sad that she was kidnapped, and I was also the girl.
totally terrified at the thought of my eyes being cut out and that they were looking at me, and glowing.
I was telling my mom that I can't recall ever having a nightmare. I've had a high fever one time, and I thought that I was in the T.V. show nash bridges, and that there were people trying to get me.
but I've never had a nightmare.
and so she said that a nightmare is just a bad dream. Or a dream that you didn't like.
and this dream scared me. It really scared me. It filled me with dread and horror. Absolute horror. and I couldn't really even speak of it, and when I did, I just stopped in silence of how terrified it actually made me.
But I wouldn't say it was a nightmare. I didn't wake up in a cold sweat, or a hot sweat, or any kind of perspiration. I just woke up in my regular old way. Slowly opening my eyes, like they had never been shut, and then just being awake.
It's not that I liked it, It's just I felt like I had been in a movie. A movie that I starred in and watched at the same time, and I really like that quality about dreams, no matter if they end up with me holding my own eye balls or if I go sailing off into the distance...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I know you won't be able to read into it, but It might be fun to see...
There is Just, sin, doubt, pride and uncertainty inside me.
I pride myself on being aware of my sin and it's effects, but I'm uncertain sometimes if my doubt is caused by my pride or by my sin. Who knows- it could be both.
I seriously doubt that my uncertainty is caused by my pride. That doesn't make too much sense.
I think that my uncertainty is caused by sin, which makes doubt, and then my doubt doubles into sin, as i know it.
well, knowing all this; atleast knowing that I'm not sure if I'm too prideful, but more then certain that I'm atleast a little bit doubtful in the face of uncertainty, I would be willing to say that the Just would win out over me if I let it.
But then I have to get rid of all the rest...
That's the part I'm no good at; of this I'm certain.
I pride myself on being aware of my sin and it's effects, but I'm uncertain sometimes if my doubt is caused by my pride or by my sin. Who knows- it could be both.
I seriously doubt that my uncertainty is caused by my pride. That doesn't make too much sense.
I think that my uncertainty is caused by sin, which makes doubt, and then my doubt doubles into sin, as i know it.
well, knowing all this; atleast knowing that I'm not sure if I'm too prideful, but more then certain that I'm atleast a little bit doubtful in the face of uncertainty, I would be willing to say that the Just would win out over me if I let it.
But then I have to get rid of all the rest...
That's the part I'm no good at; of this I'm certain.
Friday, November 6, 2009
He is a preacher and a carpenter; please!
I choose to follow Jesus of the bible for mostly one reason...
I mean, it's the deciding factor that really cements my suspicions.
Entropy.
It's the reason that the belt to your vacuum cleaner get's stretched out and you have to spend 45 minutes putting on a new one.
It's the reason that when you get food from a fast-food restaurant, your fries are everywhere except in the little carton they were supposed to come in. It's why your burger is horribly messy and doesn't look like the picture on the wall at all.
It's the reason that the strings on your guitar get out of tune.
It's the reason why your car breaks down when you're already late for work and the only thing you can do is get a ride with your grandma.
It's the reason why a glass cup breaks if you accidentally drop it while walking towards the dishwasher.
It's the reason that you get holes in your shoes and in your T-shirts.
It's the reason that the whole front tire of your bike comes loose and falls off while your biking, leaving you to battle with the cement. It's the reason that you don't win.
It's the reason that skin cells and little bug feces and animal dandruff all collect to make dust. It's the reason that you have to wipe up that dust with a cloth when your cleaning your bedroom.
It's the reason that people start out in love and end up hating each other. It's why people start out in a civilized manner and then end up nearly killing each other. It's why the divorce rate is higher than 50% It's the reason that before it was socially acceptable for people to divorce that they probably just died before it was an issue.
Everything is going from order to chaos.
Everything is flying apart; as soon as it's put back together; at thirteen million miles an hour.
and that is precisely why I follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, and why I call myself a Christian.
I can feel myself being pulled apart. All my thoughts are trying to strangle me, and they're gaining strongholds, slowly, but surely.
Naturally some people will say, you take it too seriously. You think too much, your too hard on yourself.
I'm wondering where we go when we die, or where do we come from when we're born. Why am I here? What am I doing in this foreign land?
Can you answer that?
And that is why Entropy is the key.
I'm falling apart and sometimes so rapidly, I can't see it, and everyone is telling me different things. They are all talking about tips and tricks. Everyone is telling me answers to questions I never asked. They're giving me excuses to reasons I never asked about.
when the only one that has ever been able to put me back together is Him;
Slowly but surely.
"I've never met a man,
who holds my heart in his hands,
more securely than,
this man in his 'thirty-threes'.
He is a preacher and a carpenter; please!
He will heal the cripples feet
He'll spit dirt and mud in your eye
but only if you happen to be blind."
I mean, it's the deciding factor that really cements my suspicions.
Entropy.
It's the reason that the belt to your vacuum cleaner get's stretched out and you have to spend 45 minutes putting on a new one.
It's the reason that when you get food from a fast-food restaurant, your fries are everywhere except in the little carton they were supposed to come in. It's why your burger is horribly messy and doesn't look like the picture on the wall at all.
It's the reason that the strings on your guitar get out of tune.
It's the reason why your car breaks down when you're already late for work and the only thing you can do is get a ride with your grandma.
It's the reason why a glass cup breaks if you accidentally drop it while walking towards the dishwasher.
It's the reason that you get holes in your shoes and in your T-shirts.
It's the reason that the whole front tire of your bike comes loose and falls off while your biking, leaving you to battle with the cement. It's the reason that you don't win.
It's the reason that skin cells and little bug feces and animal dandruff all collect to make dust. It's the reason that you have to wipe up that dust with a cloth when your cleaning your bedroom.
It's the reason that people start out in love and end up hating each other. It's why people start out in a civilized manner and then end up nearly killing each other. It's why the divorce rate is higher than 50% It's the reason that before it was socially acceptable for people to divorce that they probably just died before it was an issue.
Everything is going from order to chaos.
Everything is flying apart; as soon as it's put back together; at thirteen million miles an hour.
and that is precisely why I follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, and why I call myself a Christian.
I can feel myself being pulled apart. All my thoughts are trying to strangle me, and they're gaining strongholds, slowly, but surely.
Naturally some people will say, you take it too seriously. You think too much, your too hard on yourself.
I'm wondering where we go when we die, or where do we come from when we're born. Why am I here? What am I doing in this foreign land?
Can you answer that?
And that is why Entropy is the key.
I'm falling apart and sometimes so rapidly, I can't see it, and everyone is telling me different things. They are all talking about tips and tricks. Everyone is telling me answers to questions I never asked. They're giving me excuses to reasons I never asked about.
when the only one that has ever been able to put me back together is Him;
Slowly but surely.
"I've never met a man,
who holds my heart in his hands,
more securely than,
this man in his 'thirty-threes'.
He is a preacher and a carpenter; please!
He will heal the cripples feet
He'll spit dirt and mud in your eye
but only if you happen to be blind."
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Hiatus
I quit facebook for alot of reasons, the sole one being that I feel like I'm going crazy because of it.
All the fakeness and the stupid words that people say. It's hard to explain.
I feel like I'm in a room with a bunch of people, and we're all talking and it's all fine and dandy, and then I start screaming something, and everybody acts like I'm fine. They act like I'm just quoting music lyrics. They act like I'm sane.
That's the romantic version of it.
The simple truth is, that I don't like facebook, and how people add you just to add you, and they have no real intention of talking to you at all. They have no intention of even pretending to be interested in you. They just add friends and keep adding.
and people see my statuses and they think that they are cute, or thoughtful. But really they are full of confusion and grief and hurt and pain, and disillusion.
On facebook, just like in the world, no body listens to what you are really saying; they just walk around with their heads in other peoples arms. So I've decided to quit facebook, considering that I can't easily quit life and then regain it back again.
I can however, return to facebook with all my friends and things, intact. So that is what I am doing.
It is just a hiatus.
All the fakeness and the stupid words that people say. It's hard to explain.
I feel like I'm in a room with a bunch of people, and we're all talking and it's all fine and dandy, and then I start screaming something, and everybody acts like I'm fine. They act like I'm just quoting music lyrics. They act like I'm sane.
That's the romantic version of it.
The simple truth is, that I don't like facebook, and how people add you just to add you, and they have no real intention of talking to you at all. They have no intention of even pretending to be interested in you. They just add friends and keep adding.
and people see my statuses and they think that they are cute, or thoughtful. But really they are full of confusion and grief and hurt and pain, and disillusion.
On facebook, just like in the world, no body listens to what you are really saying; they just walk around with their heads in other peoples arms. So I've decided to quit facebook, considering that I can't easily quit life and then regain it back again.
I can however, return to facebook with all my friends and things, intact. So that is what I am doing.
It is just a hiatus.
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