I feel sick on the inside.

Really fucking sick.

My dog and her blindness.

My dog is blind.

She has been for quite some time now, and
by now
she's taught herself how to get
around
the
house

quite well.

It was late last night and crawled up next to her

fat beagle body,

and with my one arm around her torso and my
other arm under my head,


I layed with her.







I did that for a while and when I realized that I had to go to bed already and
it was early,

I slowly lifted my arm off of her torso.



and when she awoke and noticed my absence,
I felt bad.


She stood up and jaunted over three feet, and sat down,

probably unsure of where she was,

after all, she is blind.


I said, "go to bed, Lucy. Go to bed now"

and she kind of just looked at me in a tired way and
followed the walls of my kitchen,
into the walls of my dining room,
all the way back to her bed.

and as i sat sitting in the kitchen,
looking at her from 10 feet away,

I just remember thinking,


"I wish she could see me"

I mean, if she could see me,
at that moment, I
would have blown her a goodnight kiss,
or given her a smile.

after all, she's my Lucy.

My fat, blind, beagle dog.


And i suddenly was overwhelmed with sadness;

because that's how God must feel.


No one has ever seen the face of God before.


I mean, even Moses was only allowed to look at the back side of God,
and in some translations that just means
that Moses was only allowed to see


where God had just been.

and if you get down to it,
reason why we can't see God now, is because He is too perfect and we are not.

You can blame it on Adam and Eve

or you can even say that


we shouldn't have to pay for what 2 naked people did millions of years ago.

but the fact is, we all have sinned.



WE did.
not our fathers or families or mothers.
but our souls have been tarnished by sin.


and well, if you want more of a definition then that,
I'd be hard pressed to find one.



God looks at Bradley Service and Trevor Oestenstad and myself,

and just thinks,


"I wish they could see me."

Wendy's again...

I was working the front counter at my work and this girl came in.


"does the number one come with cheese"

"no," i said, "but you can add it"

"ok, I'll do that."



And that's all we said, but the whole time, she was looking me straight in the eye with a slight grin. she was pretty attractive and I felt myself getting nervous.

It wasn't because she was attractive that I was getting nervous but it was mostly because she was looking me straight in the eye and smiling.

She made me feel like I was a person; like she was happy that I was taking her order.

and right then, I was attracted to her.

I was really attracted to her just because she looked me straight in the eye and was smiling.


It's weird how that happened.



























Little side note...


It was Abby Sparks.


You'll love this Trevor...

I had a dream that i was swimming in water.

I fell down below the water line and i tried to take a breath...


and i could?


I could frigging breathing underwater and it was the best feeling in the world.








If i could breathe underwater in real life, I'd think about living in the ocean.



I seriously would.

Today is a day that i want to last forever. I want to be able to enjoy the cool breeze and overcastness of it all.

But i have to go to work.

and i won't be back until 4 or 5.





What a waste of a great day.







In all honesty,

honestly,

I'd like a face.

to hold onto and
kiss.

delicately and

hold that thought.


Ok, now we're back,

and was i talking about my lover again?



oh sorry, that was just the real me coming through.


Won't happen again. I promise.












Like I said;


What a waste of a great day.

The birds are out and singing and i'm still up. Tomorrow is going to be tired.

I am
going
to
go
and
sit on
the back of a hill,
overlooking
the
lake,
and
first write
then read,
my poetry

to God.


Now that,

I've got this thing
under my skin,
and I've got you,
under my wing.

I feel you
taking me up,

and eating me up,

and swallowing

all
of
my sins.

Some people look exponentially more beautiful when they eat. Right now i'm at wendy's and i see i girl. Her cheeks push her lips in a pursed position.

I'm really scared because for the first time in my life, I'm siding with the world instead of with the church because I can't find any good friends inside of the church.

And when i say church, i mean people that believe what i believe.

I've only loved one girl and she is the girl that i talked about before on here.

She was a lot like me, but honestly, she didn't like me back.

Now, I can't seem to find any good friends who listen to good music and read good books that also believe the way i do.

I can't find a girl who i want to date. Who i actually want to spend time with.

I want a girl that doesn't want a ring to get married. It would be sweet to get a tattoo instead of a ring.

stuff like that.

I'm mad at myself for giving into sin so easily. The kind of sin that goes unnoticed until it's too late, and I'm mad that if i told the people around me what kind of sin it was, they wouldn't care.

I don't know what else to say.

If you're going to ask me about my life story, ask me about it in person.

It's simple

If you would just ask about my whole life story
i would tell it to you.


Just as long as you wanted to hear it.


I ain't no bitch, ya know?

boom.

I need someone to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong and
hurtful to others around me.

and then I need that same person to hand me the nails while I
keep rebuilding myself.

Or maybe i can explode this sin out of myself?

I've seen it done with the sides of rock-walls.

anyway it happens, I need more help then someone saying,

"you need help".

My name is...

Noah, and i like the smell of skunk-butt juice.

I like to make people feel uncomfortable.

Or atleast, I like to ask questions about personal things with no tact at all.


Why do I always have to say "please" and "thank you"

Now those words are shit.

they don't mean anything, and no body cares when you say them.

I literally hate it when I comment on someones blog and they don't comment back. I don't care when it's a statement.

"this blog is coolio"

But when i ask a question, like "what does this mean?" or some other question that begs an answer and they just don't friggin respond...

I hate it.

and then i begin to hate that person.

It's especially bad if you know they read the comment because they published another post...
and you just feel like a shit for even giving them your words in the first place.

I hate you.

I hope you choke, because I'm calling your name.